3 little words to destroy you


“Let’s be friends”  the three words, no woman  (or man) wants to hear.   I believe for anyone to truly be friends with the opposite sex, a monumental event has to take place…and trust me most friendships don’t survive them.  You know when one of the friends is in full crush mode and tells the friend, and is shot down with completely soul crushing accuracy.  It is not just a blow to the soul though, it is pure devastation – someone you thought you knew, who you thought knew and understood you – chose to spend almost all of their time with you and could really talk to you about anything, family drama etc.  You have that monumental realization that they have no real interest in you romantically or for the long term.  And while you are good to hang out with, you have no potential for them to get intimate on another level with.   Always the buddy, the pal – never the girlfriend.

Because when you see him walking with her, after he has spent every day with you, you are crushed, you are devastated – you will go to that ugly crying place, that no one should ever see (bless you Kim Kardashian for televising your ugly cry, you are brave).   And you realize that even though he was spending so much time with you, he was trying to figure out how he could get her in his bed and in his life.  And the moment he gets her, you are yesterday’s news….no texts, no lunch, no coffees.  Nadda.  And you realize that once again, you were not enough for someone else.  And it hurts.  A LOT.

As I sit here licking my ego and my wounds, I have developed some rules  because I would never wish this upon anyone and it should never happen to you as it has to me.  Don’t let someone occupy your time just for you to be tossed aside.  Obviously this is the result of a recent event, and I may be a little fresh and don’t get me wrong I have a some great male friends.  However, they come with stories about how we became friends.  And if they are not gay or related to me, there was likely some awkwardness in the development of our friendship.  So 3 rules to having friends of the opposite sex which should be used as a guidance for making friends:

1. They (or you) are gay, so attraction is not even a slight possibility, you have someone to shop with and checkout the same sex with.

2. You are related, if attraction is even hinted at this raises a lot of issues, and you should see a therapist.  These can be great wing people, as they want you to get laid and partnered up, because your mother bothers them just as much as you about why you can’t find a great partner and get married and produce grandchildren.

3.  You have gone through some crisis usually involving one of you having feelings for each other, and you have to deal with those feelings in an adult manner, and realized that the friendship was more important than a relationship – because let’s be honest the friendship would likely last longer than a quick role in the hay.

One last addition to this list is a fourth rule: Boyfriends and or husbands of friends.  These are likely going to be great friends, and you don’t have to worry about any sexual attraction, because no good friend would do that, and these guys are usually like brothers.  Bonus is that your friend will likely tell them everything about your love life anyway.

However, even though I have written these rules, does not mean that I have followed them.  My problem is I think that for some reason I if I like a guy he must like me back.  Guess what…not the case.

I have lost my mojo….I need to find it….I will continue to work on me, and ensure that I don’t allow myself to be used.  My friend gave me some fantastic advise that I would like to pass along.  She said (and I paraphrase) “learn to say no, just because a guy is paying attention to you, ensure it is the right attention.  Find a nice guy and make sure he treats you right”  She is so right….and so I shall.

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6 thoughts on “3 little words to destroy you

  1. I found out a few months ago that a friend, who I used to have a little thing for after he had a little thing for me, is getting married…I also found out that he and a mutual friend slept together a few years ago and he wanted a relationship with her, but it creeped her out because friends. I remember on my 30th birthday, hoping he would have pity and give me a little. Not a chance, he drove me home and sped away. Then, all of that would have devastated me…almost a decade after the 30th birthday debacle, I shrugged it off. He has a type. It includes large breasts. I don’t have large breasts; I barely have small breasts (haha!) The end. I thought about all of it for about a day, then I was done. I am even able to speak to the fiancee now without feeling freaked out afterward. I hope it’s not that I’ve stopped caring, but rather that I have heeded your friend’s message. If it’s for me, then it’s for me. If not, oh well. I think just before my 38th is a good time to learn that. Hang in there.

    1. Totally agree Nat – sometimes we just need to see things from a distance to know that it wasn’t right. My next blog post – hopefully coming soon is going to be about just that! It is so hard to see someone you had real feelings for get married. But aren’t you glad that he didn’t give you pity? Because who wants a relationship or an event to occur only because someone felt sorry for you?! None of us! We are way better than that and deserve so much more!!! With age comes wisdom, and we are learning!

  2. Even as a male I can really identify with nearly every word in this post. I recently had a similar event happen where a friend became an almost every day friend. We’d hang out, snap chat, share laughs, talk about intimate details of our past, make plans to do EVERYTHING together for over a month. 0-60, so fast you’d have thought we were already dating. Then one day I gather up the nerve to ask if she wanted to date because we have so much in common and do everything together. “Nooooo sorry” (smiles), of course always the nice friendly smile, because we’re all friends, right? Then tonight I find out my friend invites her out, she is going, comes over here and we chat and have a puff, and then says reluctantly that she’s going to a bar with my friend! I didn’t even know about this event that he was holding, and they met casually through me. How betrayed does ones feelings feel after that? Very.

    So I know all too well these kinds of situations. This city consumes the emotions of the single and lonely, and nearly everyone who I get along with or have dated has been from outside the city and feels the same isolation.

    I’m turning 30 in less than a week. Is this what I have to look forward to for the next decade? Maybe the solution is, and always has been, to move out of Toronto. I hear Montreal is really nice to meet people.

    1. Happy Birthday Alex! Welcome to your 30’s, it is hard, but you are going to learn so much about yourself, it is totally worth it. I feel like everyone has their own experiences, I don’t think mine are bad or good, they just are what I am going through, and this blog is a way to share them – so that others know they are not alone in their experiences. My next post is all about approach-ability, and being open to new experiences. I find you are right it is hard to meet new people in this City – but it shouldn’t have to be that way. Lot’s of people make new friends or partners everyday – why should you or I be any different?

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